Apparently I nearly died. That took a while to fully sink in. I mean it’s hard to comprehend isn’t it? To imagine I almost missed it all, I almost never got to hug my baby girl ever again. How is that possible?
Oh and then comes the pressure to be grateful for every moment and live each day to the fullest. People always say that it’s easy to do. But how do you do that each and every day? Of course I’m grateful for every day and my loved ones and everyone who was so kind to me and worried about me, but I still have a job and a child and a life to get back to. So I decided that maybe it’s just taking a moment each day to step back and go, wow I am so grateful, but feel it with every fiber of your being.
I had a brain tumor on my cerebellum and had to have emergency surgery. It is a very risky surgery and my parents were told that I might wake up not knowing who I am or able to speak. And as the tumor was on my cerebellum it could affect my motor skills. Luckily I had the best neurosurgeons ever and had none of those scary side effects. Not to brag but I have since been called a walking miracle (okay, only one person called me that but hey, who‘s counting?).
When in ACU for 9 days, one of the worst parts was how better off I was than everyone else there. I was there as my surgery was neurological but I came out fine and was ‘ok’ compared to the other people there who may never get out. I felt so awful and helpless and decided, nurses and all hospital staff are true heroes and deserve the world for what they have to put up with.
I was also extremely lucky that my surgery happened when COVID wasn’t so bad and visitors were allowed. It was rough, I won’t lie. There were days when I cried my eyes out and felt so many emotions I couldn’t keep up with them. I also realized how damn tough recovery is. If you are on a journey of recovery, I wish you all the best. Some days will be good and some days will be bad, that’s normal.
I am one of those people who believes that everything happens for a reason, we only really find out the reason when we look back at the events that happened. I feel this outlook on life helped me get through 2020. How you see life and events is up to you and if you change your outlook, it will help you a lot
So what does a second chance at life look like? Well, for me it looks like standing up for myself, deciding what I do and don’t want and that I deserve to make those decisions. I deserve to be happy and enjoy my life. No, my life is not ‘perfect’, is anyone’s? Well that depends on your perspective.
If 2020 has taught us anything, it is that who is in your life matters more than all the stuff you have. So yes I cherish every hug I can give and get from loved ones, I am deeply grateful for all the lovely people in my life and my incredibly supportive family. I am lucky, luckier than most. Why is it hard to feel lucky without feeling guilty? Tricky one.
What happened was random and unexplained. Maybe it was a wake-up call to start living life, which is rather dramatic if you ask me, could have just left me a note but anyways…
We can’t control what happens, which is terrifying so I just prefer not to think about that too much. No point freaking yourself out unnecessarily. You will deal with what comes along and take it from there.
4 months later, I sometimes forget that I nearly died. Until I catch my reflection in the mirror or feel the scar at the back of my head, it is almost like it never happened. One day my hair will grow over my scar and then people won’t see it and I will have to decide how, when and who I tell.
So take it from me, the girl who nearly died, life is fragile and there are no second seasons, this is not a tv show. This is it. So best you stop living for others and live for yourself, take risks and do what you want to do. At first I was annoyed with myself for never really having lived, too terrified to do anything, too anxious to take risks and ‘really live’. I mean I tried to live but worry and doubt always consumed me in ways I shouldn’t have let it. So if this is you, be super extra brave and book an appointment with a psychiatrist and get help. I am telling you that it is possible to feel normal and not paralyzed by anxiety and depression.
Whatever you’re going through now, keep going it will get better. Change what you can control and try to let go of what you can’t control. Often what made me feel better was the saying- “that you are exactly where you are meant to be.” Allow yourself to feel your feelings, let them come and go, you won’t feel like this forever.
Remember, you are not the random thoughts that pop into your head, you are so much more than that.